Not leaving~

"Not Leaving"

I won't be caught up in socity Talking about all the things you'll do for me All I gotta do is leave my home country Drop my culture and travel across the sea Say good-bye to mama and daddy Because if you leave your culture you're leaving your family And this is what you're meant to be A number no matter where you go so why not be a number, in your own home?

~depressed~ Not anymore though ^_^

I wish I could say I let my heart win in this case...

Though there was joy...I was left with was disgrace...

It got to the point where I couldn't trust myself...

Anger and hate became something I dealt...

Left alone...all these questions left to linger in my head...

Warm hugs in the morning and kisses at night...but left alone always in my bed

I smiled everyday for all to see...

Maybe if I can fool everyone else then I could even fool me...

Perhaps you may say that I am distressed

But this is just how I feel when I am depressed

BANANA CREAM PIE

 Yesterday I had banana cream pie for the first time. OMG. It was amazing and to top it all off it was home made by mi grandma :3 Holy crappies can that woman cook/bake! AND for dinner I had taco saland @_____@ I am a lucky child. ^_^ Now...all I can smell is banana cream pie >@-@<>>...I'll stop now... 

~Later~

~You wouldn't know a gift if it bit you in the ass
You want my forgiveness bitch well I'll see you at mass
Toss and turn shout and cry
I'll just smile and wave as I say good-bye
You finallly notice, a little late maybe?
Did you think I was stupid and let you play me?
Bitch, I did it to catch you
Now who you gonna go to?
You're outa options now
And forgiveness I won't allow
So take your punk ass else where
Cause with you, my existance, I will not share~

Even in {death}

Even in death I wait for you
My heart lingers in the air around you
My soul hants everything about you
But I am still the same
Time did not change me
Nor my feelings for you...
Maybe one day when you see me
You won't have to look into my eyes to know
Or hear it in my voice
My soul will be the whisper
And my heart the words
The only thing that scares me
Above all
Is that your heart is now frozen
And your soul lost
Because of me...

So I guess I grew up

Hehe, wow. I feel much better. Like the super glue holding my heart together isn't glue after all, but the very soul of my heart keeping it in tack. Like every word you have ever spoken wasn't so serious. My mind can be at ease and so can yours. Your words can put spells on others ears for mine are not your tools of self reasurrance any longer. I will no longer be that shadow lurking behind you. Waiting for you. Always there for you. I'm done with you. And as I said it once before; I don't miss you. And you do miss me. I smile and frown at this. But I still walk away for you are the very thing holding me back from me. That night you released me, I released myself. And it feels good. The chains you put around my wrists are broken, the shackles around my ankles rusted. I am free. I can walk, talk, feel how I want. There is no regret. Not anymore. Nor will there ever be. Even when times I look back. My heart does not yearn. And I am glad it doesn't. It is stronger then ever before. And I will use it as I please. I will not hold back...So I guess (in a sense) I grew up...:)

Do you think I have money for YOU?

College, college, college...
You think I have money for YOU?
I've been eating pancakes for dinner and paying vet bills with grocery money.
Do you think I have money for YOU?
I save up all the money I have to buy presents when I'm not having a Christmas of my own.
Do you think I have money for YOU?
I haven't bought new clothes in over a year...
Do you think I have money for YOU?
I barely have a job because I have to help out around the house.
Do you think I have money for YOU?
I live with my grandma but belong to my mother. She won't pay for college.
Do you think I have money for YOU?
YOU; who promises me a future.
YOU; who promises me safety.
Without money, YOU are not there for me.
Therefore, YOU, are a liar.
YOU are my biggest worry.
YOU are my worst fear.
And YOU, call yourself college?

She said maybe...

(Found the oringal and adding the second part)... "She said Maybe" She said maybe...today is the day And all those times I felt lonely my pain will slip away She said maybe... i'll do it tonight That all those times I needed you you'll see that I was right She said maybe... the razor will be fast Then it will all end and she'll be, apart of everyone's past.

"She said Maybe" (Part 2) She said maybe... they'll remember of that day And as they stand above her grave they won't know what to say She said maybe... thier feelings will be raw And as her body rots in the ground they'll realize of thier flaw She said maybe... now they will care Then they will live thier lives in misery and dispire She said maybe... they won't be effected Since they never cared before even in death she'll be rejected She said maybe... her words will touch somebody's heart And when they're feeling lonely like she they won't just fall apart She said maybe...

Under the weather~

I don't know...the day was great. I was happy, partying, and laughing. Then out of no where...BANG...I get hit with this strange and odd kinda depression. Thing is nothing bad happened. So why do I feel so under the weather? I'm sure I'll be fine come tomorrow~

Todayy~

I stayed home today. My head hurt so much it was driving me crazy. I tried to sleep but once I wake up I can't go back to sleep. So I sat in bed. Nothing on TV to watch so I ended up watching a whole bunch of stupidness. By the time something good actually came on I had to go with grandma to pick up Mitchell. Ever since she hurt her leg I've been doing alot more stuff around the house and helping her walk down the stairs and such. I don't really mind much. Every now and then I picture her falling and hitting her head on the corner of the dresser or slipping and falling down the stairs. Scary thoughts. I wish I didn't have such thoughts. I wish there was a way to oraganize the images within our minds. Like one giant filing cabinent. This would solve and or stop many of my problems...and maybe I could understand things better without rushing into thought about the what ifs and what nots. *siiigh* I hate thinking. But worst of all I hate caring. Well...caring too much. One glance. One look. And boom. I'm in a slum. Oh weeeell, anyway I got to type up an old short story today. I was suprised at my own vocbuary...o.o...it seemed better two years ago compared to now xD Since this story is so short maybe I'll use it in my writing profolio...damn work. All these head aches..I wonder if school has anything to do with them? School's never done this to me before...I know all seniors get like this. Just gotta deal like everyone else, right? Grr...these damn dreams also! They're bothering me too. I can't stop thinking about them. Why, why must unsaid person haunt my dreams >< Damn yoooou...I shouldn't care at all. But alas...I do. It's a gift...and a curse *giggles* VOTE OBAMA 2008!!!!

V.O.T.E~

~ LISTEN TO YOUR MAMA VOTE FOR OBAMA!!!!

~To all you unsaid person(s) out there!!!

Unsaid person:

Why can't you just tell me you need me? BEcause you know you do. Though I am over you, you clearly want me to linger on the thought of you. You want me to be obssessed with you like I once was when I was a girl. You are my friend. That is all. I am finally over that crush of you. You, this person I love. You, this person I hate. (sound familar?) And Now I'm done with you. I don't want nothing to do with you. Because even through all the happiness all you left me with was pain.

Unsaid person:

I see you. And you see me? How close we once were. Buddies. I can't help but think what it would be like if that distant didn't set in. And anger arose from that of which you birthed. But I can not blame you. I am annoying. I am weird. I am ridiculous. But you know what? That's me. And I;ll be loud on the train. And I'll laugh with my friends. Sometimes I wish you were there with me. My friend. You were. But alas...you made your choice...she my mind will still linger on our memories as friends. My friend. My buddy. No more...

Unsaid person:

I can't forget that day. I don;t think I want to. It's funny how things can change so fast between two people. And yet, utterly stay the same. How do I feel about you? It's hard to tell. You are so much to me, what am I to you? I guess it's wrong. But I don't care. Everything's wrong in my eyes, everything's right. It just depends on what kind of person you are...who you are. Who are we? What are we...I do not know. It's alright because we can still see eachother and smile. And at the end of the day...that's all that matters. :)

*hums*

So now I'm stuck. I thought my mind was cleared but I fucked up. I thought I knew you but I guess I was wrong again, can't say that you're my friend (anymore). Can you read between the lines? Obviously not cause all I hear are lies. Take back that hug and sign a different song cause we can't get along (anymore).

Started writing a song...didn't work xD. My head is just blah lately. I think I try too hard with things...with everything. I just wanna stop trying. I went to that college fair thing today. It was alright. I liked goofing around with Sammy and Barry :3 Mar is cool too. I've been reading alot of other people's work in and out of school. It makes me want to write even more. I want to finish all the stories I left incomplete and start up on new things~ I've been really tired lately. All the time. I either sleep all day or not at all. I have head aches...I just don't want to be anywhere anymore. Not home...not in school. Blah, I hate it because I love hanging around people. People I care about and care about me. Fun, classy peoples who make things...life...not so bad xD
I saw my mom for the first time in a long time. I was on my way to school...just got on the train. And she called me over. I was a bit surprised...to see her. It was akward. Akward? I was uncomfortable around my own mother. We talked. Caught up. I wrote a poem about it...Most of my poems ryme...almost all of them. This one doesn't. Well...here it is~

Today I saw my mom on the train
She has a new job in Manhattan
So I'm told
Her hair looks the same
As is her clothes
But her smile is weak
And mine is weaker
We'll catch up
And we'll laugh
But inside it's not the same
For it's been far too long
Since that day...
Everything is different
But you're still the same
I'm waiting for you to say sorry
But there's only a few stops to go
You'll look at me as I talk
And I'll look back
Every now and then I'll catch a word
In your eyes
How can it feel so akward?
Seeing your mother on the train...

Unsaid Person~

You will never know how hard it is. You will never feel this way. Your heart will never hurt, can you even feel pain? Sometimes I question...sometimes I rant. Sometimes I cry and sometimes I vent. Through drawing, through writting, through music, and life. It's hard to imange life without out you. You, this person I hate. You, this person I love. You, this person who doesn't deserve to know me. You, this person who needs me. And you will never know because you think I love you but I don't...I hate you. I hate everything about you. Your laugh. Your eyes. The way you say, "Later"/"Uh huh..."/"Meh". Your ego. Your stories. Your opintions. Your feelings. I hate you because you're always there. On my mind. I hate you because I love you and I have always loved you. And you know. And yet you drag me along. You know he does me wrong and you know you can do better then him...why won't you save me? Maybe we're young...but these so many years haven't age a bit. Time has always stood still. We have always been the same even when the world around us changes. I'm not scared to say that I am in love. But I am scared to say...that I'm in love with you...I force a smile on my face so you don't know and hide my feelings with goofy words. I act like I don't care but it always slips through and you know...you know. How great could it be? How wonderful. How beautiful. If you just give me a try. And that is way we'd be perfect together...because we can never be together. I wish you wouldn't call me your "hime-chi"...because it only makes it worse. One night I feel like I'm on top of the world and the next I feel like I'm holding it up. My shoulders have been aching all these years and all I want is to put this planet down. But I can't. I will always be here...and you know that. But one day when I'm not...for you...you will miss me. And I...won't miss you...

Why are you away?

Why are you away? Your away message is up...up, up, up...your away message is up. Put it down...your away message is up. I wish you were around...but your away message is up. I want to say hi to you...but....your away message is up. I forgot to tell you something...but your away message is up. Can you put it down?...but alas...your away message is up...

Starting...starting....NOW~

Beep...beep...beep...The alarm for school was going off. Aoi didn’t want to get out of bed in fact she dreaded it. The thought of opening her eyes only annoyed her for she knew all that would come into vison...an empty chair covered in a black and white school uniform. Such ugly things they were but Aoi couldn’t complain at least her uniform was wearable. Heck, she even (almost) liked it. For a fourteen year old Goth, black and white was her thing. The fact it came with a solid black neck tie added on to her liking. Instead of wearing the traditional plain black socking she would wear black net socking ordered online and shipped from Hot Topic. The utterly hideous black flats were replaced by spike boots with black belt straps and skull designs. No one said anything to her. No one would. She was the to herself, black eye liner wearing, hallway glaring, no lunch eating, dark poems writing, eyes barely showing, freak girl nobody talks to...not even the teachers.
"God...I hate school." she mumbled to herself while facing the mirror. How she hated mirrors. She only looked in them when she desperately had to. Like when she had to put her hair up. She pulled each sides of her inky black hair and tied it tightly up in a tiny pony tail. You could hardly see it; making her hair look extremely short from a front view. Her bangs cut nicely around the edges of her face and the right side was nearly taken over by the inky mass. Her bright blue eyes shined brightly almost radiating off the mirror’s echoed reflection and back into her own pupils. She smiled at the sight. A pale faced girl smiling...but not at herself. At the thought of herself. Another day living...another day wasted in time. She stood. Grabbed a piece of toast without saying a word to her blood mother. Threw her black cat faced back pack over her shoulder. And headed out the door.
She didn’t care about the toast she shoved into her mouth. Nor did she care about the people she was passing or the people she would be passing in the halls at school. She didn’t care about her family or the old lady crossing the street. She didn’t care about anyone. That’s what made Aoi...well Aoi. No one called her by her first name simply because Aoi fit her. She always wore blue with her black clothes and everyone thought of her as cold...and....well blue (depressed). Her own mother once said that even when she was born she had dark aura around her. Her eyes were big and wide never looking away. She didn’t cry at all only stared. Creped most of the nurses out. Aoi loved it. Creeping people out was the only joy she got out of life. That and horror movies. Believe it or not horror movies never frightened Aoi and most of them made her laugh. She was an odd child who waits all year for Halloween rather then Christmas.
She truly believed she was going to hell...if there was one. As she was walking her glance came upon a small white figure. It was cat. A small, fluffy, blue eyed cat. The cutest damn thing in the world and she could give two shits about it. She looked away and continued walking. The cat on the another hand started to follow her. Aoi closed her eyes while walking. She knew the cat was not far behind her. She was growing annoyed the further she went because the cat didn’t stop. So she did. She turned around and hissed loudly at it. The people around her flinched or looked at her strange but the cat just stood there. It sat down and meowed once. Aoi rolled her eyes and continued walking. Stupid cat...she thought. She wished she had a dog. Images of the dog mauling the cat to death filled Aoi mind. She smiled to herself in such a way that the cat stopped following her and crossed the street. Finally...

HONK

Aoi turned her head. A navy blue town car came speeding down that street...just as the cat was crossing. Aoi felt her book bag drop and her feet move. She was running into the middle of the street. What am I doing She lunged forward and grabbed the small cat. Suddenly the car hit her and that was it. Everything went black and her body hit the hard concrete under her. The small cat made its way out of the girls grip. It began to lick Aoi’s face as the drive came rushing out of his car.
"Oh my God...oh my God!"
Mmm....Aoi opened her eyes, "What the hell is wrong with you?" she said looking at the driver, "You son of a bitch...you hit me with your damn car and you’re talking about God what is wrong with—" Aoi’s eyes widened as she looked down at her own body, "I’m...dead?" She touched her cheek feeling the cat lick her face. She looked at her body, "But wait...I can feel that...I’m not dead yet—"

"That’s right..."

A voice. Neither male nor female graced Aoi’s ears. She turned her head and there it was. An angel, "You have got to be shitting me." It was hard to tell if the angel was male or female. One side had long hair and the other side was short. It was wearing all white but not a robe just an outfit. A long sleeve white shirt with bell bottom jeans it was bare foot and had a friendly smile on its face. It’s snow white wings were folded behind its back.

"No...I am not "shitting you"...come with me."
"What if I say no...?"
"Come with me."

Aoi shrugged, "Better then going to school..." and with that she took the angel’s hand and they were gone.

Law and Order~

I made a cd for a project in english class. It was fun so I started making my own at home :3 Yes, I'm a loser...but I don't care...you wanna know why!?!?! ><>> These people beter get outta my house soon because Law and Order is always on ^___^ And the best is? SVU. YES. SpecialVictims Unit. Aren't all victims special? Nope. xD You can only be special if you were...raped....kidnapped....or abused. Yep o.o...

FreeWrite~

Today...Cindy, Nancy, Amanda, and Samantha came over :3 It's my gma's birthday and we all played ROCKBAND 2 ^^ It was fun :3 I let Cindy make a blog on one of my other sn's...we had cookies and chips and pizza @-@ Samantha and Mandy are still here, Cindy and Nancy left already ;-; I wish they coulda stayed longer ;-; Me and unsaid person spoke last night...he called me dear ^^ I dunno why but it made me blush and...*sigh*...oh boy...

All I can do..

So far nothing is clear
Standing alone, these feelings are near
Looking into the mirror this girl I do see
Everything's changing and this girl isn't the real me
Broken promises emerge from the shadows of my life
Lies now form and the truth is gone from sight
Lost in much deception, lost in misery
I know I'm okay, but my heart won't listen to me
I'll cling to memories and look forward to some new
Because in the end, that's all I can do~

Don't give up~

I don't want to give up, but you make it easy
It's hard to stand, when all you feel is queasy
I've given up on knowing, I've given up on the truth
I've given up on asking but baby, I haven't given up on you
Try all you want, maybe one day you'll see
That at the end of the day, all you'll see is me
I'll haunt your dreams, I'll haunt your mind
You wanna break? Than we'll give it time
I've given so much, got back so little
But when I hoped for rain, all I got was drizzle
Looking at you it's okay, because if it's fate
We'll be together someday...
But until that day comes, until that day is here
My body will linger, but my love will always be near

More friendship :3

When I stand alone in the night...
I turn to them to be my light...
When I face my biggest fear...
I know that my friends will always near...
And even when you feel alone and scared...even when the pain gets too great to bare...
They'll be there for you through thick and thin...
Understanding you completely, forgiving you when you sin...
The greatest gift love can send...
Is a friendship like ours that can never break or bend...
So during rough times I'll share with you this...
Your friendship means the world to me, it is reason for my bliss..
And remember this thought when you're hurt and don't know what to do...
As much as you're there for me, I'm always there for you...

You know who you are...

Seems you forgotten me, and I'd like to know how?
That all the times I was there for you...
You decide to leave me now
You'll never know my pain, inchoate feelings misunderstood...
Yearning for your love I always wondered if you could...
Could you ever love me the way I loved you?
Could you ever see my surrow when I walked out of your room?
Could you feel my happiness whenever you were around?
And could you bare the pain I felt, when you thrown my love to the ground?
At the end of the day I try to close my heart
Because I'm so frightened it will hurt again...
By the end of the night I'm crying...
And happiness is something I pretend...
I'm not saying that I blame you, because who would?
But still I'll still wonder...
Wonder...if you could...

TO MY FRIENDS~Cindy, Samantha, Ye Yan, and Mandy!

Show me your saddness, show me your pain Whenever you feel lonly, I'll take it away From good times to bad, together we fight And we'll show this world, what real friendship's like :3

Turning to grey

My heart burns and aches of pains a mere mortal can not explain, nor angels nor gods have the deepest mind to say.
As I wonder in this shadowy place in my life, it's hard to see if anyone else is there. Am I truly alone? But alas, this is my fate. A lonely wanderer can not wait...for an answer...I am lost in this depair.
Blackish colors circle around my beating heart as my mind lingers in a vast void of emptiness. This numbing feeling waits for no man to be ready but for a lonely girl to take.
It grasps a hold of your soul and doesn't let go...until you are cold and dark...until you loose your heart. Your very being is questioned. You mask yourself in a beauty that only fear lies under such a broken mask.
A small light comes across your face and your true colors are shown. A faded pink. Yes, that is me...this darkened hallway in my heart can not turn back now though. And I fear the light colors of my soul will fade away...like the faded pink..turning to grey.